Two Livers Are Better Than NONE

      Well I hate to burst everyone's bubble, but my recent employment is going to save me from an early arrival back home. So basically, Havens, I am pretty sure you are the only one bummed out. And Kristin, sorry, looks like Heather Gaines is going to be your only fake friend.

     But after years of studying meteorology and mathematics in college and 15 years of wanting to chase tornadoes and hunt hurricanes, I am finally pursuing my dreams and becoming a paralegal. Okay so maybe it's just a stepping stone. Hmm. Getting paid to sit around all day reading about other people's drama and misdoings…wow…that is just so unfitting for this gossip queer. Legally Ginger…thoughts?…thoughts? I start on Monday, 7-3:30 usually, but could work weekends and all nighters. I get paid 5 beers an hour, so I'm not complaining.

     But bless a lucky ranga I'm employed. I have been spending a rude amount of time with myself. I actually had to air dry my clothes this week. And this wasn't a picturesque vision of a young woman hanging pristine white sheets across wind-swept rolling hills. I was in a public alley way using any makeshift object I could (plants, chairs, wine bottles, John Nolan's ego), and anytime a garment would blow away I would scream "Ohhhh reallllyyyyyy". So basically half the area has seen my underwear…I feel right at home.

     But it's the time you spend waiting for your clothes to dry that you start to go crazy. Your mind starts to drift into random thoughts…what are my friends doing back home…did I shit today…is Amar still single…where is Bobby Fischer…is it wrong to be attracted to a cartoon character? But nevertheless I always end up on Facebook. But here lies a serious problem. Aussies aren't into Facebook or taking pictures, and as far as I'm concerned there is nothing more important in life. I get blank stares when I'm suggesting poses every five minutes.

     Okay. Lets pretend to be Aboriginals doing Bad Romance…no?…just Bad Romance?…okay fine…next time then! It's not fair that my albums have to be the ones to suffer. I have more profile pictures than these people have total, and that doesn't make me cool…nor has it ever. I thought I had found a group who believed in the good Book as much as I did when I heard someone say, "I know. It's getting too much with the amount of Facebook friends I have!" I jumped in adding my two cents only to hear the end, "Hell, I'm about to break one hundred on my friend's list". Well. I had to back out of that one quickly. But I don't despair, I'll crack these people soon.

     So to escape the horrors of hanging out with myself all the time. I have tried to accept the aussie drinking culture this week. This basically means getting piss drunk every single night…and I'm talkin like Roni Sepe piss drunk…as in you actually pee on people's personal property drunk. So I can handle drinking Thursday-Saturday night. Nothing new there. But it was on Sunday night that things got interesting. At this point my memory became shorter than Brandon Gross' hookup list, and all I can remember is sculling a jug full of foam for a jager shot followed by a full on karaoke performance of "Look at me I'm Sandra Dee" in front of a crowded room at a lesbian bar. Won't go to bed till I'm legally wed?...well...good thing it's not legal cause I have been lousy with my virginity.

     And after my lady escort for the night got too drunk and was childlocked in a car for her own protection, I had to continue the night on my own which included 3 dollar shots, a pregnant drag queen, and after singing "Bye Bye Miss American Pie" I received the lovely and charming pickup line, "I don't know about bye, but I'd love to say hi to YOUR American pie". And social cue...

    

      Monday night to keep things more local, my recently acquired American friend and myself ventured to a gay bar called Prince of Wales a block from my apartment. After a healthy serving of jugs, I remember watching three Tiffany Chang drag queens performing a very politically incorrect version of "I'm turning Japanese" in a show called Prince of Males. And then on our way to a bar that was open later I got chased around the sidewalk screaming as a tranny 

tried to undress me. It made me reminiscent about Monge. But we were thrown into another bar with a handful of drinking vouchers. Here I met an aussie, a brit, and a scotsman. It really is becoming a game for me acquiring all these international friends. Every time I meet one I hear in my head pokemon's "Gotta catch em all!" Except Cubans, they're like that weird pigeon pokemon card no one wants. Wing Attack? Isn't that what Heather Gaines does with her arms when she walks? 

     And then Tuesday I was up on Brunswick street at a popular bar called Bimbos. But yet no one seemed it to be weird or disturbing that the theme of the bar was DEAD BABIES. Yes. There were baby dolls strapped with dildos hanging from the ceiling. And this was a STRAIGHT bar.

There were even mutilated baby dolls in pickle jars at the counter. But. The bar did have a room called the "cavern" which was a big dome with a circular sitting area where the acoustics allowed you to hear every single person's conversation. I sat in there just nodding affirmatively at complete strangers…nothing new for me.

     But Wednesday morning after I felt like I had run a marathon just by rolling out from the covers to get to the bathroom, it was time for a break. Finally could revisit my childhood as I had the opportunity to see Toy Story 3D. Suddenly I feel no shame in having two stuffed animals on my bed. And Mr. Pricklepants could not be more of a role model. He has an odd similarity to Ginny Brown.

     So long story short it's yet another Thursday. And apparently now I have an alter ego as a lesbian named Sandra Dee. I really am a complete package deal, Mike, I know you couldn't be prouder. But I miss all of you dearly…except Amar. Can't wait to start making some dough, so I can go on some real adventures. And if you haven't had the chance to video chat with me yet…get on it…it really could change your life. Kristin am I right?! Am I right?! Or am I WRONG?!